Sample Edit

A business client came to me looking for edits to a science-related post he'd crafted for his LinkedIn page. Here's the original:

Visceral Experiences-Immersive Brand Experiences

Visceral- felt in or as if in the internal organs of the body

Experience-direct observation of or participation in events as a basis of knowledge

My Mother always told me people will forget what you say but will always remember how you made them feel.   Maya Angelou has a very similar quote.    Whether it is a birthday party at 6 years old, a Lollapalooza concert at 19, your first kiss, first time you saw a love, your child being born, you will never forget these moments. 

The brain is dependent on the physiological state of the body in two important ways; biological functions and the reception of continuous dynamic feedbackof visceral signals that shape its operational functioning.   The later function permits dynamic interaction to include cranial and spinal nerves and involves sampling of chemicals carried in the blood back to the brain.  This is why we don’t forget experiences that bring us out of our ordinary physiological state.    In depth article on this found here.

 This is why we forget some names and brands and remember others, because they were part of an experience which temporarily altered our normal parameters of experience.  Can we reach our target audience with pop up ads, emails, commercials or has it all become white noise, probably not.   Brands need to spend to create experiences that their target audience will never forget.  It starts as small as with word choice in an email or ad, and can be big as a 3 day show like Coachella.    If we don’t move our audiences to be compelled we will not reach them

Here is my first round of edits:


Two rounds of edits are always better than one. In a second round, I rewrote the first sentence of the last paragraph to read: Through the white noise of pop-up ads, emails, and commercials, our target audience will hear and respond to us because of the emotional connection we've established. I also removed an unnecessary comma that I missed on the first pass. I believe that editing is a collaboration, a fine-tuning process that benefits from your feedback and questions. Let's have a conversation.